Should I stay or should I go?
…a question I have asked myself MANY times in my dating history and have heard many others ask themselves as well. All intimate relationships will go through multiple challenges, that's just the nature of two different people living in close proximity. But how do you know when you need to keep putting in more effort and when to accept that it’s not a compatible match?
Let’s break it down.
A significant indicator of whether you should stay or you should move on is what kind of challenge is being presented in this relationship. Here are two types:
Challenging you to grow into your potential (your authentic self)
Challenging you to be a different person (inauthentic)
How can you tell the difference? Think about your core values. Are they challenging you to grow in a way that aligns with one or more of your values? For example, let’s say you value connection. You love getting to know people and experiencing a sense of closeness and being known. You also have an old defense strategy of shutting down and walking out on your partner when you’re feeling upset or triggered. You might take hours to numb out until you can bring yourself to pretend that everything is okay between you again to reestablish that connection. But your partner sees right through it and doesn’t feel that the reconnection is authentic (deep down you feel this too). So they bring this to your attention and challenge you to learn some conflict resolution skills together so that you two can safely resolve and repair connection authentically. This kind of challenge also requires having a growth mindset (more on this in a moment).
Now here’s an example of your partner trying to mold you into a different person; you and your partner both identify with the same religion. But your partner is much more serious about religious practices than you are. They keep trying to push you and guilt you into practicing with them, so you give in. Only it doesn’t feel authentic for you to do these practices and over time you build resentment. This person doesn’t actually want to be with you, but a fantasy version of you.
Another important question is whether you and your partner have a growth mindset or a fixed mindset.
Someone working with a Fixed Mindset may tell themselves and others things like, “I’m just not good at ____,” or “This is just the way I am, I can’t change that.” They probably believe that
Their habits and behavior is an authentic part of who they are.
The way they behave is the only way for them to get their needs met
If they’re not good at something naturally, than they’re, “just not good at it” and should give up
Someone working with a Growth Mindset is open to opportunities for growth. They are open to reflecting on whether a growth opportunity aligns with their core values and therefore will help them grow more into their potential. They believe in their ability to heal, learn, change, and grow.
Reflection Questions:
Does your partner challenge you to live up to your potential and your values? In what ways? Do they try to mold you into a different person? In what ways? a. If you see them trying to mold you into a different person, can you bring it up for conversation to find a solution that meets both of your needs and values?
2. In which ways are you challenging your partner? Are you trying to change them at all?
a. If you’re trying to mold them into a different person, can you bring it up for conversation to find a solution that meets both of your needs and values?
3. Do you believe in your ability to continue growing into your potential? Are there certain
areas in which you feel stuck with a fixed mindset? What about your partner?
If you're interested in personal guidance and support through this tough decision, click the button below to learn more about 1:1 Relationship Coaching.
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